I Am NOT an Outlet Store

Well it’s the start of a new year in approximately 19 minutes, and I’ve decided to make no resolutions. As I said before I straight up suck at keeping them, and it’s not like I can’t start something at any time of the year. The 1^st is not the only day for starting new things. You can do that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year.

Even though I am not making resolutions, I did meditate in the middle of my floor and reflect on this past year. While lying there, in the middle of the rug on my floor, fighting off my dog’s nose while she was trying to figure out what in the world I was doing, I realized that I discount my feelings. While discounts are good most of the time, unless they’re sketchy like getting discounted merchandise from the back of a shady looking car, discounting your feelings is not. I do this A LOT. I tend to ignore my instincts, and be like “nah, it’ll be fine.” Or the most awful inner thought, “It’s not like it matters what I think anyway.” Now you’re probably screaming, “But it does though!” I agree. I completely agree, but I still discount my feelings. It’s almost become an instinct in place of my common sense instincts, and that’s bad news, friends. Bad baaaaaad news.

Now in the middle of the floor, which is obviously the best place to think, I could not figure out why I do that. Why do I discount my feelings and thoughts about things in my OWN life? I’m not an outlet store for pete’s sake. I’m not some garage sale in someone’s backyard; I’m a human being, yet despite my assertion that I am not an outlet store nor a garage sale for that matter I still treat myself like the sales rack in an already hugely discounted store. It seems that many more floor meditation sessions are in store for me in 2012 because I need to find out why I discount my thoughts and feelings. Aren’t they worth enough to matter? And if I’m discounting my thoughts and feelings aren’t I also discounting myself? Why don’t I treat myself as if I’m worthy of the full price? And if I don’t treat myself that way, then how can I expect others to?

On a happier New Year’s note though, in lieu of resolutions I made “Life Wants.” Now I can’t pretend that I made them for the New Year; I made them like almost a month ago, but I’m going to share them with y’all anyway.

1.      I want to stop doing what I “should do and instead do what I want to do.

2.      I want to be completely honest, all the time, with myself and with others.

3.      I want to be comfortable, truly comfortable, with no romantic attention. I want to really feel that it’s not a super important part of or need for my life. (That means no boys y’all.)

4.      I want to more easily and willingly be able to let things go instead of just pushing them to the back of my mind where they can torment me later. (Please re-read number two because I feel that number two is the main one that will help me to achieve this.)

5.      I want to be able to CUT MYSELF SOME SERIOUS SLACK. There’s no reason to beat myself up all the time. (And it’s actually pretty unhealthy).

6.      I want to make an effort to try new things often.

7.      I want to feel good about being WRONG.

8.      I want to be able to let go of control and just live life.

    If y’all made resolutions, I wish y’all resolve and good luck J Happy 2012!

It Just Happened...

I think that I’m one of those “it just happened” people. In fact, I KNOW that I am one of these people. I’m sure that you’re probably wondering what that is. Well, my dear readers, that is a person who simply says situations “just happen.” As if a situation is some sort of unstoppable force that just takes over your life and straight up controls you like some freaky alien mind control business. Scary, right? Most “it just happened” people use this sort of explanation for most everything from things that go wrong to even things that go right! It’s kind of like a lie. You know how you start out with just one and before you know it there’s a whole freaking bundle of lies out there that “just happened.” Or a bunch of horrible situations that “just happened.” But here’s the catch with that sort of thinking, most things don’t “just happen.” Now in some circumstances there’s not much that you can do to fix the situation, but you can always control your reaction to it, even if the best reaction is completely letting it out and punching that person or situation squarely in the face with a vicious right hook. Not that I recommend punching people in the face, but dang sometimes you just want to!

I can clearly remember many times of myself saying that something “just happened” when I knew full well that it was through my own choices. For example, I date males who are douchebags. Pardon my language but it’s the honest truth. The douchebag meter of my relationships has been off the charts people! I’m kind of lucky that I haven’t run into a male who would decide to break up with me through a post-it note like Berger did with Carrie on Sex in the City (Love that show btw).

Despite this epic past of douchebaggery, I’ve continued to get into relationships with douchebags, this is that “creative mistake” thing again, because I tend to think that I “just happened” to end up with not so wonderful guys. I just happened to not notice that they treated me poorly. Then when the relationship ended, it had “just happened” to not work out. They “just happened” to not like me anymore. And yet again, I just happened to be ignorant. I just happened to be ignorant of how horrible they were for me, just happened to be ignorant of how unhealthy the relationships were, and just happened to be ignorant of how unhappy I was.

But wait, here’s the twist…I knew. I knew from virtually the beginning.  How, you ask. Because things like this, they don’t just happen. These things happened because of a multitude of reasons, loneliness, inability to fully accept failure, insecurity, and a whole host of other things. Yet the main one that I haven’t listed yet is ignorance, not in the “I don’t know” sense because I most definitely did but more in the “I don’t want to know” sense. I knew, but I ignored it. I ignored the living hell out of it because well out of sight out of mind, right? I didn’t want to know that they treated me poorly. I didn’t want to know or face that we weren’t going to last. When let’s face it, some relationships aren’t meant to last. Some people aren’t right for you in ANY sort of healthy sense AT ALL. But, as I said, I didn’t want to know. Sometimes it’s much easier to just pretend like everything is fine when it’s not, when it’s so utterly and indubitably not. However, this kind of thinking has led me to here, to this year of self-reflection, to this year of uncovering all the formerly “unacceptable” things about myself, to this year of ME.

And this year obviously involves my relationships with other people, whether they’re platonic or romantic, and I do the same ignoring thing with those relationships. But it’s not just my dating guys who treat me terribly or friendships that I’ve had with people who are not healthy for me. It’s also my weight, and why I keep it on, and even the situations that turn out “right.” You would think that someone who is a “control freak” would want to micromanage everything, right? I do, but I just ignore that I do it. What a viciously numbing cycle, huh?

Something that I have realized though is that when things “just happen” you’re distancing yourself from the situation. Just like when I say that things “just happen” I’m distancing myself from the situation, my feelings about it, and the truth. I distance myself from the reality of the situtation. But here's the thing I haven't figured out yet...why do I distance myself from my own life?   

Being...Someone

Ok so a major part of this year is about finding my "self." But as I've said that is not always a fun thing to do. I mean look at my last post...who really and truly wants to admit that they're control freaky perfectionist person? Not me. Yet...I did. In the name of self-awareness and well, general self acceptance (still working on that by the way).

But who am I? Other than wanting to find out why I do the things I do, I mainly want to find out who I am. I want to separate the truth from the lies because I am not so honest with myself as I should be. Sometimes it's much easier to pretend to be someone else than it is to pretend to like me enough to be me. Everyone has those personas in order to protect themselves...which don't actually fool anyone. I can't say that I'm not the same, because I am. I am the same.

I most often play that person who knows a little bit about everything. I LIKE to be right. I LIKE to have the upper hand. Because well, let's face it the person with the upper hand is less likely to get hurt, right? Or less likely to look stupid, right? Or less likely to be seen as weak, right? Survival of the fittest sort of thinking, for sure. Which is a little sane because self preservation is "normal" haha. But goodness why in the heck do I have to self preserve all the darn time? Shouldn't I be able to LET GO?

So maybe the question here isn't "who am I," but rather why can't I show my real self to the world? Except for as a last resort. Maybe it's a not knowing all the facts or not fully accepting myself, but I think that showing my "self" (the real one) to the world would be a good idea for the future and the present. I mean honestly...what's so wrong with the real me that she shouldn't be free?

Here's a song by Cymphonique and the cast of How to Rock called "Only You Can Be You."  The song starts about fifty-four seconds in:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzLRmHeSIMI&feature=related

On Letting Go

I'm sure you've all heard that old adage about mistakes being lessons learned, but what if you don't learn the lesson and continue to make the same mistake in a different way? Does that give you an F in the class of life lessons or some slack because of mistake creativity?

I'm one of those "creative" mistake makers. Minus the rose colored glasses that means I don't always apply the "lessons" I've learned from past mistakes to current situations. I guess you could say that I'm foolishly optimistic. But also, in a very different way, I apply the wrong "lesson" to the wrong situation or the "right" lesson to the wrong situation...or I just ignore the warning signs altogether. Yep...there's where that "creativity" comes in...that is when I actually pay attention to the fact that I'm making a mistake. I tend to be that person who beats myself up for being "stupid" and "idiotic" and for generally making mistakes in the first place so I either hyper-ignore or hyper-correct (neither of which work very well by the way) and voila! I have another mistake in the making or already made, screwing up my idea of absolute perfection that I hold myself to. Not that I am perfect, because I'm not, but I for sure EXPECT myself to be perfect, and by golly when I'm not...well, it kind of turns out to be a mess.

I'm also one of those "dwellers" and "brooders." Rough boat, huh? I regret and dwell and brood over mistakes LOOOOOOOOONG after they're done. LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG after I have any sort of choice or decision to make about it that would change it in any sort of way. Yet I still dwell. It's like a bruise. You know how you want to push on it just to see if it will still hurt weeks and weeks later? Yeah, I do that. Instead of getting it out and giving myself a freaking rest, I push it back and dwell on what I could have done, how I could have changed it, what I could have done differently, what would have made it work out for the better. When, let's face it, whatever situation it was WOULD NOT have worked out for the better. So I should have done the only thing I could do: tell them how I felt and then LET IT GO.
In fact, I wanted to do those things...in all of my mistakes (the ones I dwell on you know), but I didn't because wouldn't that be admitting defeat? Wouldn't that be admitting that I make...MISTAKES?! BLASPHEMY!

But here's the thing, friends, I do make mistakes. And mistakes are scary to me. Like I said they mean imperfection, and accepting imperfection...well that's a rough thing for me to do. But here's the cool thing about "mistakes," aren't they exactly what the word "mistake" entails? Mis-Takes? And if there is a "mis-take" wouldn't there, by definition, be a "re-take?" Of course it's most likely not going to be the same exact situation, but maybe mis-takes aren't such a big deal after all. That's why, right now, I want to make a pact to cut myself some serious slack and realize that for every mis-take that I make there's a re-take out there, and if I keep dwelling on that one little, not so terrible but completely blown out of proportion in my brain mis-take, I'm going to miss that re-take, and I definitely don't want to do that!

Here's a really awesome video that I feel super relates to this post :) Enjoy!

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/kathryn_schulz_don_t_regret_regret.html

The Art of Trying New Things

So in light of the new year, which I know is over a week away, I've made a resolution. I've made the resolution to push myself out of my comfort zone and try new things. Lots of new things...not just one type of new thing. I'll probably goalize it because making goals is always a good idea, but I'm not going to limit my "new things" thing because that would be completely against the point.

However, I'm not so sure if I want to call it a "resolution." Resolutions are nothing new to me. In fact I've made resolutions ranging from losing weight to not getting into dead-end relationships over the years, and to be brutally honest (the point of this year and kind of this blog) none of them have worked. Not a single freakin' one. Resolutions are all fun and stuff, and you think "heck yeah! this year is my year!," but it's not and never turns out to be "my" year. Interestingly enough though, this IS my year, and I didn't even need the start of the New Year to decide that. I just needed me and my goal for inner peace and a straight up bad-A union with my SELF. Period.

So this year, or rather right now, I want to try new things. I want to jump out of this rigid box of a comfort zone that I've put myself in and experience the world OUTSIDE OF THE BOX. In fact, I guess you could say that I want to go all jack in the box on this year. Because who knows what I'm missing out on?

A perfect example of this is bean burritos. I now LOVE bean burritos, and bean enchiladas, and probably bean tacos if I ever tried them, but up until a few weeks ago, when I decided to go vegetarian, I always claimed that I hated beans, especially the refried kind. Those puppies were NOT for me. After going vegetarian though, beans became a big part of my diet, and to tell the truth I didn't like them a lot at first, but I LOVE them now. They're SOOOOO good.

Here's the thing if I was missing out on something so awesome as bean burritos (which I now make myself by the way :) ) what other awesome things am I missing out on? What other bean burrito-esque things am I not allowing into my life just because they don't fit my idea of the "things" that I like?

So yes, this year IS "my" year, and I'm gonna experience all sorts of burritos from exercise burritos to Zumba class burritos to rock climbing burritos and maybe even hip-hop dancing burritos if I can find a place. Because how do I definitively know that I do not like something unless I try it? But the one thing I do know is that this box NEEDS TO GO.

--Here's a cool quote for ya'll:
At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self--Brendan Francis

Splinted :(

Well...I have officially been "splinted." I must wear this beautiful white, green, and oh so stylish air splint, courtesy of the medical supply place down the street, for basically 24 hours a day, minus sleep and showers. Though I'm sure that if my doctor knew how roughly I sleep he probably wouldn't have said minus sleep...so the joke's on him haha.

For my followers who don't know the background to this injury, I rolled my ankle while running about a month and a half ago, and let me tell you it hurt. It hurt REAL bad. However I, being the she-woman-beast that I am, felt no need for a trip to the ER and was like, "no it's fine, and it will heal in a few weeks."  Well a month and a half later (which is now by the way), it still hurts, so I went to the doctor...and found out that I tore my tendon in two, thus the air splint for the next two to three weeks. Talk about major inconvenience. Ok, it's not that bad...it just makes my left ankle look like it has elephantitus or something. And it's supposed to fit in my shoe, but that's proven quite difficult so far.

So what does this mean for my running plans over the break? Well...my doctor kind of put the kabosh on that. However, I can still walk and ride a bike, so I'm going to get my biking on in order to start preparing for the sprint triathlon that I and a friend of mine are going to do. So...maybe there is a silver lining to this whole "splinted" business: I'm going to open myself up to new forms of exercise since running (my fav) is so clearly out, and I'm clearly either an idiot or a bamf for walking around on a torn-in-half tendon for over a month. You decide...either way I'm going with the BAMF :-D 

The Power of NO

Ever notice how powerful the word "no" is? I didn't...until just a few minutes ago.

Picture this: I'm standing in my kitchen and talking with my brother. He's eating an over 400 calorie sandwich thing, which he can do because he's a teenage boy with the metabolism of a marathoner or something akin to that. Then...he offers me the other one, the twin to the other 400 calorie sandwich, and it's staring me in the face saying, "you know I'm delicious with my chicken pattyness and my oh so melty cheese between two pieces of white bread, just one bite won't hurt...you know I'm tasty."
And oh man do I want to just take that "one" bite, which, as I know from experience, turns into, you guessed it, the WHOLE sandwich.

I have had a super love/hate relationship with food my whole life. I know, haven't we all? However, in my case my relationship has been more love than hate, becoming a full out love affair through most of my teenage years and part of my adult life. Yet, unlike my harmless love affair with Justin Bieber's music (no judgment here), my love affair with food has been harmful, physically and mentally. In fact, just this past year I got this affair under "control." And I use the word control loosely because it's still a STRUGGLE. I mean who out there doesn't get the late night munchies or say that they're going to eat "one" chip and then realize that they've eaten the whole bag? I'm not afraid to admit it because I'd be lying to say that I haven't.

But this post isn't about my love affair with food. It's about the power of "no." And my main question is if I can tell my brother "no" when he asks me about whether or not I want that sandwich, (which I can't actually eat because I'm being vegetarian, but that's neither here nor there) why in the world can I not tell myself no when I reach for that oh so gooey and delicious and wonderful fudge, or chocolate cake, or whatever it is that I totally should not eat? Why is it that I find it more ok to tell someone else "no" than to be straight up reasonable with myself and be like "Listen here...do you really need to eat that," while I'm standing in the middle of the kitchen by myself in the middle of night holding that oatmeal cream pie in my hand, justifying eating it because it's "ok, this one time."

Don't get me wrong, I am a full believer of everything in moderation, but why is it that I can limit my food enough to be vegetarian for a month, when I freaking LOVE chicken noodle soup, but I can't stop myself from eating like 3 slices of cake in one day? Why is it that I hold myself more accountable to others than I do to myself? I mean I'm the one who's always around myself, right? And if I'm not holding my own self accountable to something so simple as food, what other BIG things am I not saying "NO" to?    

The Winds, Or Rather The Bulldozer, Of Change

So...have you ever spent most of your life (well your adultish life or I guess any part of your life if you prefer) thinking that you're a certain type of person or a certain way, and then you find out that you're straight up WRONG? Yeah, that's me. And that's my life these days. Talk about revelations, revelations that not even I knew. Crazy right?

Interestingly enough that's what this year of my life is devoted to, revelations, confessions, and just all around truths. And that's what this blog is going to be about as well, the truths about me and my journey to find those truths, because by george they're elusive little buggers sometimes and just need to be rooted out like a roguish gnome kind of thing haha.
Anywho, given the fact that this is supposed to be a "pilot" post (you know like the first episodes of tv shows...I think they're called pilot episodes anyway), I would imagine that you would like some background information. This is the year of ME, a year that I've taken to get to know me, to become friends with myself and my mistakes, imperfections, and just all around the things that I hate about myself...don't judge we all do it. I've also decided not to date this year; I just don't need the distraction because it's hard to date someone and not merge your identity with theirs a bit, and I just don't want to find out about them. I want to find out about ME. And believe me dear reader, that is a SCARY thing to do. Looking closely at yourself is not easy, and maybe I'm alone here, but sometimes what you find isn't pretty AT ALL. So this is the year of CHANGE, hence the title of my post (catchy huh?).

Change hasn't always been my friend...well to be honest it's never been my friend. I hate change. It's unpredictable and scary and sometimes wonderful or awful, but it's kind of a russian roulette about how that will end up, hence the "unpredictable" part. Change is something that I scurry away from, dread, and avoid at all costs if I can. Yet change is an inevitable part of life, which I found out this past summer, and I've contined to find out pretty much every day since. I want to embrace change...and I don't mean changes like just switching from paper to plastic at the grocery store or wearing a different pair of shoes. I mean inner change, a change where I go from avoiding my faults, sweeping my imperfections under the rug, and lying to myself to embracing myself...my whole self not just the kind of ok parts that really aren't me anyway.

You're probably also wondering why my blog is titled "Going On From There." I got this title from a very inspiring quote that I heard from a really wonderful person, and worry not I will post it at the end of this post :) But the quote talks about burning down to the ground, sitting in the ashes of who we once thought we were, and then going on from there. That's what this year is about. It's about "going on from there," going on from the ashes of my former self, going on from the things that I once thought made me who I am, going on from the heartbreaks of my past, and going on to my future, a future without silly old ashes to blacken it...or "ash" it up so to speak.

So yes, change is like a bulldozer...or a very very stiff wind because it's bulldozing over who I thought that I was, a type B person who is chill and loves change and can let go, and showing me who I really am, a type A person who is apparently a control "freak" and who doesn't like to let go because that's when things get crazy and unpredictable. And that's ok because being a control "freak" isn't really freaky at all, it's more like being very much informed...because informed people don't get caught off guard. However, no matter how control freaky you are that darn fire can fall right on you when you don't even expect it, and you can either make the choice to stay in the ashes of your life or "go on," and that, my dear reader, is my plan, to GO THE HECK ON :)

Promised Quote :)
"Deep in the wintry parts of our minds, we are hardy stock and know there is no such thing as a work-free transformation. We know that we will have to burn to the ground in one way or another, and then sit right in the ashes of who we once thought we were and go on from there."
-Clarissa Pinkola Estés