Well I’m back to running (YAY!), and I just got back from a short run, and when I say short I mean like a half mile, but it’s better than nothing. Yet, instead of basking in the glory of being able to run again and being proud of myself for getting out there and doing it, all I can think about are the apologies that I wanted to shout to the people around me because, let me frank, there were quite a few (aka: a LOT) of people there, and there were quite a few (aka: a LOT) of apologies that I wanted to shout out.
Now…you would think that the apologies would be from the decline of my running distance due to my injury, and that the apologies would be to myself. But no, that’s not the case. I, in fact, during the whole run wanted to erupt with apologies for being overweight and…running. I wanted to apologize to my fellow lake-people (people who hang out/workout/fish/whatever at the lake) for even having the audacity to run without first getting into shape protected by the privacy of my own room and away from the public eye. I had the strongest urge to just shout out a HUGE apology for being out there running and making all other lake-people have to see my fat flopping about when, in reality, I was completely covered by a t-shirt. Frankly, it all just made me want to curl up and die out of shame, shame about something that I LOVE doing, and I hate that feeling.
But here’s the thing…there are no rules and regulations about who can and cannot run (unless you’re injured or something), so why in the blazes do I make all of these rules for myself about running? I can run just fine at the weight I’m at, and I can run a hell of a lot better than I used to be able to, so why do I continually give in to the self-consciousness that I don’t need in my life anyway? Why do I continually feel as if I’m not worthy to run? Or do a lot of things that I let my weight put a stop to?
Because it’s not my weight at all…it’s me. I’m the one with the problem, not my fellow lake-people, and I’m the one judging myself for running while still being a little overweight. I’m the one judging the little bit of fat that I have jiggling around when I run. I’m the one holding myself back, and frankly that’s a hard pill to swallow. Because I want to think that I support myself, but I can’t say that I always do, especially when it comes to things that I feel I am too “fat” to do, like swimming or running or rock climbing or numerous other things. But the honest truth is that I’m not too “fat” to do anything. That’s just some trumped up excuse that I’ve come up with over the years to protect me from making a fool out of myself because I used to be a lot heavier. But I’m not now, and it’s about time that I stop letting that phantom fat hold me back. It’s about time that I stop letting myself use being “fat” as an excuse to not do things that I want to do.