Thursday, August 23, 2012

Not Physically...but Mentally?

So I just read a blog post on Ms. Single Mama…odd I know since I’m not a single mom, but her blog is really good. And in the midst of my emotional crisis of my move tomorrow, let’s not make light of 1300 miles, it’s been pretty inspirational. I’m sure you’re wondering where I found out about this blog well at the podiatrist’s office of course. I was sitting there…an uncomfortable mixture of excitement, fear, and endless tears about the move while waiting for my mom to get done, and I picked up a Woman’s Day magazine. I typically don’t read Woman’s Day, but the front of the cover was talking about letting go, and frankly that’s exactly what I needed. So I picked it up and flipped to a page and started reading and article about a woman who let go of fear. She let go of fear and left the broken marriage that she was in. And frankly that’s kind of fitting right now. No…I didn’t go off and elope or anything, but I’ve been wanting a change. Isn’t that what I’ve been striving for this whole time?  A change for the better…a change to become more of who I truly am? Yes.

However…as I’ve been at home I’ve sort of caught myself slipping back into some of my old patterns. I’m not always completely open and honest with myself here. I don’t eat well…at all. And I’ve been too worried about finding someone. That’s odd don’t you think? Given the fact that I have oh…at least another month before I should even be thinking about dating again. But I still catch myself thinking about it…sometimes even reveling in the attention that males can give me. Just because I know that I’m not dating doesn’t mean that the males around me know, you know? And as I’ve thought about this move...I’ve caught myself thinking and sometimes hoping that I’ll find the man of my dreams in Massachusetts. That I’ll be done with the no dating thing and there he’ll be ready to carry me off into the sunset on his white horse. Because frankly folks…not dating gets lonely. It’s hard to not base some of your perceptions of yourself on what other people think, especially when you have done it for so long. Like I’ve said before I’m impatient…I want to snap my fingers and be the best possible me that I can be, self-confident and assured and all. But it doesn’t work like that. Kind of like I want to snap my fingers and apparate, you know like in Harry Potter, all the way to Massachusetts so I won’t have to deal with the scary drive. But I can’t.

And interestingly enough I inspired someone…I inspired my boss to try to make herself happier. But sometimes I feel like a bit of an imposter for struggling so much with these things myself even though I preach to others about how great it is. How do you find the balance between loneliness, self-awareness, and natural human nature? It’s natural to feel a need to find the love of your life…but when does that natural need turn into an unhealthy obsession? Hell if I know. But I do know this…I need to let it go. I need to let go of my fear about this trip, and I need to stop worrying about a man coming into my life. As hard as that is, it’s what I need. And isn’t that what my whole life, not just this year, is about? What I need?       

Saturday, August 11, 2012

What's So Wrong With Being A Super Ordinary Woman?

Well…it’s been about four months since I last posted on this blog, and I don’t really have a reason Mostly, I just haven’t had anything to write about. But I’ve also been busy with a trip to France and lots and LOTS of hard work, you know trying to save for my upcoming trip.

Speaking of an upcoming trip, I move across the country, about thirteen hundred miles away to be exact, in around a week and a half. Now I want to be able to declare how excited I am in the most sickening sing-songy voice that anyone has ever heard, but frankly, I feel more terrified than anything. When I think about how I’m going to get there, how much it will cost, how I don’t really know anyone, I have serious heart palpitations. I’m scared. Really freaking scared.

And I can’t help but wonder if it’s normal to be this afraid before such a big change. I’ve never lived this far from home before, and I feel like I’m twenty-two years old so I need to get over it, you know? But is that really fair to me? Is it really fair for me to just tell myself to “get over it?” Is it really fair for me to discredit my feelings that way? No.

And it’s strange because that’s my knee-jerk reaction…get over it. But I have every right to be terrified of moving halfway across the freaking country to a place that I’ve never even visited for a job that I’ve never actually done. I am not a robot who can just shut my feelings off at will. And sometimes, like now, I feel like that’s a damn shame. But if I could I wouldn’t be human.

It’s like I expect myself to be some sort of super woman with the cape, and the skintight suit, and the saving the world. But I don’t have a cape or, God forbid, a skintight suit. And frankly, I think it’s gonna take a lot more than what I can do to save the world, so why in the hell am I holding myself to that expectation? Why do I hold myself to such unyielding standard of perfection that I’m almost guaranteed to fail? And what is it with me thinking that showing emotion equals failure?

If I remember correctly I made some goals back several months ago and one of them included cutting myself some serious slack, and I don’t know if I’ve been living up to that lately. I want to live up to that. I want to be ok with being scared of something that is honestly scary. I want to stop making the things that I love out to miserable because I have such unrealistic expectations for myself. I want to write more on my blog because I’ve missed it. I’ve missed it a lot. It keeps me real, and out of my head, which honestly gets a little cramped sometimes. So wish me luck on the move because as afraid as I feel, I am excited. I just need to stop putting so much pressure on it. Here’s to depressurizing J