So you know
that saran wrap stuff? The stuff that clings to everything it touches? I think
I’m the human version of that in relationships. I know…sounds crazy and
ridiculous, but I think I am, folks. I am the saran wrap of the relationship
world. Interestingly enough though this is EXACTLY what I took a year off of
dating to figure out. Well…kind of. If you’ll remember I actually took a year
off of dating in order to become ok with being alone but I’m afraid that while
I was aloning it up for a whole year I didn’t take the time to figure out where
I went wrong in my previous
relationships. I didn’t take the time to figure out what I brought to the table
in relationships.
Hell…I spent
so much time trying to love myself that I didn’t take the time to realize how
different it is to have someone love me. That’s a whole different ballgame. I’m
in control of me and my love, and I know how I show it to myself. I know
exactly how I feel toward myself because I can read my own mind. I don’t have
to prove it to myself because I KNOW. I know every thought that I have, but
it’s not like that in a relationship with someone else. It’s not the same at
all.
And the
strange thing is that I seem to start out pretty chill…independent, secure,
sexy, fun, interesting…and then I turn into a crying, insecure, clingy,
dependent mess! Why does this happen? Is it me? Is it them? Is the universe? I’m
pretty sure it’s me. In fact, I KNOW it’s me. But the question is…why? Why does
this happen? It’s like at first I’m nonchalant; I can take it or leave it. But
once I get it…I’m like an addict. I always need more, more, more until myself
and my respective partner are so tired of the constant runaround, misery,
grief, and needless bickering that my partner lets go. He is always the one to let
go first because a person can only take so much distrust, so much pushing until
they’re sick and tired of it.
So I’m sure
all of you are wondering where this has come from…well, I met someone. A very
wonderful someone, who I am doing this to, who I am distrusting, pressuring,
and giving such a hard time that it feels like he can’t do ANYTHING right. Now,
would I put up with this? NO. Not no but hell no. So why in the world do I
expect him to put up with it? I’d get tired of it too, and I think that’s where
my fear comes from…it’s like I want to hurry up and get the inevitable over
with. I want him to hurry up and leave me so I don’t have to wait around
wondering when he’ll do it. But folks…that makes NO sense. No sense at all. And
frankly the thought of him leaving me makes me want to vomit, makes me want to
cry and be upset and all of the other things that people feel when they want to
be with someone, when they’re afraid to lose them.
However…for
some reason I’m having a hard time accepting that he doesn’t want to go
anywhere, that he doesn’t actually want to leave me. And it’s like I can’t
figure out why he doesn’t want to…like I have to keep doing more and more
ridiculous things to prove myself right, that he does, in fact, deep down, want
to leave me…he just hasn’t figured it out yet. But the thing is that he doesn’t
have to figure it out…because he doesn’t want to, but the way I’ve been acting
doesn’t really make anyone want to be around me. And honestly…if that’s the
case why would he want to? I don’t even want to.
I think that
I need some relationship 101, friends. Some serious relationship 101…and maybe
a good smack in the face haha, but for real though. I’ve spent the last year
becoming ok with being alone, but I don’t know if I know how to be in a healthy
relationship. I don’t know if I actually know how to be with a good man. Is
there an instruction manual? Or a guidebook that I could use; I really need
one. Because if I don’t stop trying to put a rift between myself and this
wonderful man I’m gonna push him away, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to
push him away, and I don’t want to make him worry about me or us or our
relationship. Hell, I do enough worrying about everything for the both of us as
it is. So if anyone has any suggestions…please let me know :-)