Saturday, November 24, 2012

The Judge and The Jury

So…I’ve sort of failed at this blog thing for a while. And I would like to say that I have a fantastic reason, you know like my life is kickin’, but I can’t say that is the case. I haven’t been very busy, besides looking for a job that makes me happy, and I can’t say that I’ve truly wanted to write. Because, friends, I’ve been running, running away from my blog, my thoughts, my new found self-awareness, and frankly sort of slipping backwards. Slipping backwards into the disillusionment that was my life, and I don’t like that. I don’t like that one bit. I’ve been avoiding my blog because I feel like I have to tell the truth here, especially the truth about myself and who in their right mind ever wants to do that?  Who in their right mind wants to rip off the mask that they hold in front of their true selves? Who, in their right mind, wants to risk that rejection? Exactly. So now you know why I’ve been running away. And now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to the real thoughts on my brain…
Judgment…and no I’m not talking about religion here. I’m talking about the almost instantaneous opinions that you form about the people you meet. Whether good or bad, they’re there. In fact, it’s difficult to meet someone without forming some kind of opinion about them, based on the way they look, talk, act, move, whatever…that instantaneous opinion is there. It’s almost like a reflex, at least for me anyway. Like self-preservation…yeah I know, who knew that we were in the jungle.

But it is…it is like a reflex for me. It’s like if I judge you and get you figured out first then…I win. I still have my game face on, and you still don’t know me. You still can’t get close because what I know, what I know about you is more important than anything you could ever learn about me, right? WRONG. And I’m sure that you’re asking, “since when are relationships with people about winning?” Frankly, they’re not supposed to be. They’re not supposed to be about winning at all. They’re supposed to be about mutual respect, and trust, and common interests. It’s supposed to be a win-win, not a win-lose.

And as you may remember…I took a year off of dating. It’s been almost two months since I completed that, and I still haven’t dated anyone. Interestingly enough, I still don’t feel that I’m ready; I don’t feel like I’m in the right place yet. So much for that magical year huh? Haha. But really though, I sometimes (ok, ok a lot of times) wonder how much my automatic fortress, moat, guard, marksmen, any other defense mechanism you can think of, affects my dating life. Probably a whole hell of a lot. And in all reality, would I want to date someone who would never let me in? No.

I shut people out before they can shut me out, which if you didn’t know, is completely self-defeating. And then, it all comes back to me, and I how I feel about me. It has nothing to do with the other people at all. Which honestly…sucks. Because I’m the one to blame, the one at fault, the reason for it all. It’s no fun, no fun at all. It’s like I rip away all the chances before people can get a chance to see…me. The real me. The me without all of the mumbo jumbo, without the makeup, figurative or literal, without the knowledge, without the things that I think make me somehow better, better than a real person. And that makes ZERO sense. Even as I sit here writing it, I can feel the flush in my cheeks from acknowledging the ways that I hide from the world, from exposing my vulnerability, from acknowledging that I’m an ordinary human being, who makes mistakes, who falls in love, who gets her feelings hurt, who cares for people, who feels lonely sometimes, who cries, who laughs, who does and feels all of the things that a HUMAN BEING feels. And strangely, it feels like I’m sharing some huge secret about myself with all of you, but most of all…it feels good.  

With that said I want to promise myself, in front of all of you, to STOP running away from my blog. It’s an important part of my life and my continuing journey to self-acceptance. I just have to let it help me :-)


Here’s a very fitting quote:   

"Although it is embarrassing and painful, it is very healing to stop hiding from yourself. It is healing to know all the ways that you’re sneaky, all the ways that you hide out, all the ways that you shut down, deny, close off, criticize people, all your weird little ways. You can know all of that with some sense of humor and kindness. By knowing yourself, you’re coming to know humanness altogether. We are all up against these things. We are all in this together." –Pema Chodron