Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Stop Factor

So you know that saran wrap stuff? The stuff that clings to everything it touches? I think I’m the human version of that in relationships. I know…sounds crazy and ridiculous, but I think I am, folks. I am the saran wrap of the relationship world. Interestingly enough though this is EXACTLY what I took a year off of dating to figure out. Well…kind of. If you’ll remember I actually took a year off of dating in order to become ok with being alone but I’m afraid that while I was aloning it up for a whole year I didn’t take the time to figure out where I went wrong in my previous relationships. I didn’t take the time to figure out what I brought to the table in relationships.
Hell…I spent so much time trying to love myself that I didn’t take the time to realize how different it is to have someone love me. That’s a whole different ballgame. I’m in control of me and my love, and I know how I show it to myself. I know exactly how I feel toward myself because I can read my own mind. I don’t have to prove it to myself because I KNOW. I know every thought that I have, but it’s not like that in a relationship with someone else. It’s not the same at all. 

And the strange thing is that I seem to start out pretty chill…independent, secure, sexy, fun, interesting…and then I turn into a crying, insecure, clingy, dependent mess! Why does this happen? Is it me? Is it them? Is the universe? I’m pretty sure it’s me. In fact, I KNOW it’s me. But the question is…why? Why does this happen? It’s like at first I’m nonchalant; I can take it or leave it. But once I get it…I’m like an addict. I always need more, more, more until myself and my respective partner are so tired of the constant runaround, misery, grief, and needless bickering that my partner lets go. He is always the one to let go first because a person can only take so much distrust, so much pushing until they’re sick and tired of it.

So I’m sure all of you are wondering where this has come from…well, I met someone. A very wonderful someone, who I am doing this to, who I am distrusting, pressuring, and giving such a hard time that it feels like he can’t do ANYTHING right. Now, would I put up with this? NO. Not no but hell no. So why in the world do I expect him to put up with it? I’d get tired of it too, and I think that’s where my fear comes from…it’s like I want to hurry up and get the inevitable over with. I want him to hurry up and leave me so I don’t have to wait around wondering when he’ll do it. But folks…that makes NO sense. No sense at all. And frankly the thought of him leaving me makes me want to vomit, makes me want to cry and be upset and all of the other things that people feel when they want to be with someone, when they’re afraid to lose them.

However…for some reason I’m having a hard time accepting that he doesn’t want to go anywhere, that he doesn’t actually want to leave me. And it’s like I can’t figure out why he doesn’t want to…like I have to keep doing more and more ridiculous things to prove myself right, that he does, in fact, deep down, want to leave me…he just hasn’t figured it out yet. But the thing is that he doesn’t have to figure it out…because he doesn’t want to, but the way I’ve been acting doesn’t really make anyone want to be around me. And honestly…if that’s the case why would he want to? I don’t even want to.

I think that I need some relationship 101, friends. Some serious relationship 101…and maybe a good smack in the face haha, but for real though. I’ve spent the last year becoming ok with being alone, but I don’t know if I know how to be in a healthy relationship. I don’t know if I actually know how to be with a good man. Is there an instruction manual? Or a guidebook that I could use; I really need one. Because if I don’t stop trying to put a rift between myself and this wonderful man I’m gonna push him away, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to push him away, and I don’t want to make him worry about me or us or our relationship. Hell, I do enough worrying about everything for the both of us as it is. So if anyone has any suggestions…please let me know :-)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

The Judge and The Jury

So…I’ve sort of failed at this blog thing for a while. And I would like to say that I have a fantastic reason, you know like my life is kickin’, but I can’t say that is the case. I haven’t been very busy, besides looking for a job that makes me happy, and I can’t say that I’ve truly wanted to write. Because, friends, I’ve been running, running away from my blog, my thoughts, my new found self-awareness, and frankly sort of slipping backwards. Slipping backwards into the disillusionment that was my life, and I don’t like that. I don’t like that one bit. I’ve been avoiding my blog because I feel like I have to tell the truth here, especially the truth about myself and who in their right mind ever wants to do that?  Who in their right mind wants to rip off the mask that they hold in front of their true selves? Who, in their right mind, wants to risk that rejection? Exactly. So now you know why I’ve been running away. And now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to the real thoughts on my brain…
Judgment…and no I’m not talking about religion here. I’m talking about the almost instantaneous opinions that you form about the people you meet. Whether good or bad, they’re there. In fact, it’s difficult to meet someone without forming some kind of opinion about them, based on the way they look, talk, act, move, whatever…that instantaneous opinion is there. It’s almost like a reflex, at least for me anyway. Like self-preservation…yeah I know, who knew that we were in the jungle.

But it is…it is like a reflex for me. It’s like if I judge you and get you figured out first then…I win. I still have my game face on, and you still don’t know me. You still can’t get close because what I know, what I know about you is more important than anything you could ever learn about me, right? WRONG. And I’m sure that you’re asking, “since when are relationships with people about winning?” Frankly, they’re not supposed to be. They’re not supposed to be about winning at all. They’re supposed to be about mutual respect, and trust, and common interests. It’s supposed to be a win-win, not a win-lose.

And as you may remember…I took a year off of dating. It’s been almost two months since I completed that, and I still haven’t dated anyone. Interestingly enough, I still don’t feel that I’m ready; I don’t feel like I’m in the right place yet. So much for that magical year huh? Haha. But really though, I sometimes (ok, ok a lot of times) wonder how much my automatic fortress, moat, guard, marksmen, any other defense mechanism you can think of, affects my dating life. Probably a whole hell of a lot. And in all reality, would I want to date someone who would never let me in? No.

I shut people out before they can shut me out, which if you didn’t know, is completely self-defeating. And then, it all comes back to me, and I how I feel about me. It has nothing to do with the other people at all. Which honestly…sucks. Because I’m the one to blame, the one at fault, the reason for it all. It’s no fun, no fun at all. It’s like I rip away all the chances before people can get a chance to see…me. The real me. The me without all of the mumbo jumbo, without the makeup, figurative or literal, without the knowledge, without the things that I think make me somehow better, better than a real person. And that makes ZERO sense. Even as I sit here writing it, I can feel the flush in my cheeks from acknowledging the ways that I hide from the world, from exposing my vulnerability, from acknowledging that I’m an ordinary human being, who makes mistakes, who falls in love, who gets her feelings hurt, who cares for people, who feels lonely sometimes, who cries, who laughs, who does and feels all of the things that a HUMAN BEING feels. And strangely, it feels like I’m sharing some huge secret about myself with all of you, but most of all…it feels good.  

With that said I want to promise myself, in front of all of you, to STOP running away from my blog. It’s an important part of my life and my continuing journey to self-acceptance. I just have to let it help me :-)


Here’s a very fitting quote:   

"Although it is embarrassing and painful, it is very healing to stop hiding from yourself. It is healing to know all the ways that you’re sneaky, all the ways that you hide out, all the ways that you shut down, deny, close off, criticize people, all your weird little ways. You can know all of that with some sense of humor and kindness. By knowing yourself, you’re coming to know humanness altogether. We are all up against these things. We are all in this together." –Pema Chodron

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Not Physically...but Mentally?

So I just read a blog post on Ms. Single Mama…odd I know since I’m not a single mom, but her blog is really good. And in the midst of my emotional crisis of my move tomorrow, let’s not make light of 1300 miles, it’s been pretty inspirational. I’m sure you’re wondering where I found out about this blog well at the podiatrist’s office of course. I was sitting there…an uncomfortable mixture of excitement, fear, and endless tears about the move while waiting for my mom to get done, and I picked up a Woman’s Day magazine. I typically don’t read Woman’s Day, but the front of the cover was talking about letting go, and frankly that’s exactly what I needed. So I picked it up and flipped to a page and started reading and article about a woman who let go of fear. She let go of fear and left the broken marriage that she was in. And frankly that’s kind of fitting right now. No…I didn’t go off and elope or anything, but I’ve been wanting a change. Isn’t that what I’ve been striving for this whole time?  A change for the better…a change to become more of who I truly am? Yes.

However…as I’ve been at home I’ve sort of caught myself slipping back into some of my old patterns. I’m not always completely open and honest with myself here. I don’t eat well…at all. And I’ve been too worried about finding someone. That’s odd don’t you think? Given the fact that I have oh…at least another month before I should even be thinking about dating again. But I still catch myself thinking about it…sometimes even reveling in the attention that males can give me. Just because I know that I’m not dating doesn’t mean that the males around me know, you know? And as I’ve thought about this move...I’ve caught myself thinking and sometimes hoping that I’ll find the man of my dreams in Massachusetts. That I’ll be done with the no dating thing and there he’ll be ready to carry me off into the sunset on his white horse. Because frankly folks…not dating gets lonely. It’s hard to not base some of your perceptions of yourself on what other people think, especially when you have done it for so long. Like I’ve said before I’m impatient…I want to snap my fingers and be the best possible me that I can be, self-confident and assured and all. But it doesn’t work like that. Kind of like I want to snap my fingers and apparate, you know like in Harry Potter, all the way to Massachusetts so I won’t have to deal with the scary drive. But I can’t.

And interestingly enough I inspired someone…I inspired my boss to try to make herself happier. But sometimes I feel like a bit of an imposter for struggling so much with these things myself even though I preach to others about how great it is. How do you find the balance between loneliness, self-awareness, and natural human nature? It’s natural to feel a need to find the love of your life…but when does that natural need turn into an unhealthy obsession? Hell if I know. But I do know this…I need to let it go. I need to let go of my fear about this trip, and I need to stop worrying about a man coming into my life. As hard as that is, it’s what I need. And isn’t that what my whole life, not just this year, is about? What I need?       

Saturday, August 11, 2012

What's So Wrong With Being A Super Ordinary Woman?

Well…it’s been about four months since I last posted on this blog, and I don’t really have a reason Mostly, I just haven’t had anything to write about. But I’ve also been busy with a trip to France and lots and LOTS of hard work, you know trying to save for my upcoming trip.

Speaking of an upcoming trip, I move across the country, about thirteen hundred miles away to be exact, in around a week and a half. Now I want to be able to declare how excited I am in the most sickening sing-songy voice that anyone has ever heard, but frankly, I feel more terrified than anything. When I think about how I’m going to get there, how much it will cost, how I don’t really know anyone, I have serious heart palpitations. I’m scared. Really freaking scared.

And I can’t help but wonder if it’s normal to be this afraid before such a big change. I’ve never lived this far from home before, and I feel like I’m twenty-two years old so I need to get over it, you know? But is that really fair to me? Is it really fair for me to just tell myself to “get over it?” Is it really fair for me to discredit my feelings that way? No.

And it’s strange because that’s my knee-jerk reaction…get over it. But I have every right to be terrified of moving halfway across the freaking country to a place that I’ve never even visited for a job that I’ve never actually done. I am not a robot who can just shut my feelings off at will. And sometimes, like now, I feel like that’s a damn shame. But if I could I wouldn’t be human.

It’s like I expect myself to be some sort of super woman with the cape, and the skintight suit, and the saving the world. But I don’t have a cape or, God forbid, a skintight suit. And frankly, I think it’s gonna take a lot more than what I can do to save the world, so why in the hell am I holding myself to that expectation? Why do I hold myself to such unyielding standard of perfection that I’m almost guaranteed to fail? And what is it with me thinking that showing emotion equals failure?

If I remember correctly I made some goals back several months ago and one of them included cutting myself some serious slack, and I don’t know if I’ve been living up to that lately. I want to live up to that. I want to be ok with being scared of something that is honestly scary. I want to stop making the things that I love out to miserable because I have such unrealistic expectations for myself. I want to write more on my blog because I’ve missed it. I’ve missed it a lot. It keeps me real, and out of my head, which honestly gets a little cramped sometimes. So wish me luck on the move because as afraid as I feel, I am excited. I just need to stop putting so much pressure on it. Here’s to depressurizing J    

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Apologies and Excuses...BE GONE!

Well I’m back to running (YAY!), and I just got back from a short run, and when I say short I mean like a half mile, but it’s better than nothing. Yet, instead of basking in the glory of being able to run again and being proud of myself for getting out there and doing it, all I can think about are the apologies that I wanted to shout to the people around me because, let me frank, there were quite a few (aka: a LOT) of people there, and there were quite a few (aka: a LOT) of apologies that I wanted to shout out.

Now…you would think that the apologies would be from the decline of my running distance due to my injury, and that the apologies would be to myself. But no, that’s not the case. I, in fact, during the whole run wanted to erupt with apologies for being overweight and…running. I wanted to apologize to my fellow lake-people (people who hang out/workout/fish/whatever at the lake) for even having the audacity to run without first getting into shape protected by the privacy of my own room and away from the public eye. I had the strongest urge to just shout out a HUGE apology for being out there running and making all other lake-people have to see my fat flopping about when, in reality, I was completely covered by a t-shirt. Frankly, it all just made me want to curl up and die out of shame, shame about something that I LOVE doing, and I hate that feeling.

But here’s the thing…there are no rules and regulations about who can and cannot run (unless you’re injured or something), so why in the blazes do I make all of these rules for myself about running? I can run just fine at the weight I’m at, and I can run a hell of a lot better than I used to be able to, so why do I continually give in to the self-consciousness that I don’t need in my life anyway? Why do I continually feel as if I’m not worthy to run? Or do a lot of things that I let my weight put a stop to?

Because it’s not my weight at all…it’s me. I’m the one with the problem, not my fellow lake-people, and I’m the one judging myself for running while still being a little overweight. I’m the one judging the little bit of fat that I have jiggling around when I run. I’m the one holding myself back, and frankly that’s a hard pill to swallow. Because I want to think that I support myself, but I can’t say that I always do, especially when it comes to things that I feel I am too “fat” to do, like swimming or running or rock climbing or numerous other things. But the honest truth is that I’m not too “fat” to do anything. That’s just some trumped up excuse that I’ve come up with over the years to protect me from making a fool out of myself because I used to be a lot heavier. But I’m not now, and it’s about time that I stop letting that phantom fat hold me back. It’s about time that I stop letting myself use being “fat” as an excuse to not do things that I want to do.  

Saturday, March 31, 2012

A "Peace" of the Puzzle

Last night I had a chill night. I kicked it in my bed and caught up on episodes of my favorite guilty pleasure…Degrassi. Now usually I watch Degrassi for just the shock factor and to find out what is happening with my favorite, basically all, of the characters. But last night, for some crazy reason, Degrassi actually related to my life. It was a little trippy to be honest.

Now when I say “related,” I don’t mean that I’ve had some crazy drama go down and that’s how it relates. I just mean that it related in the way that they felt…which was mainly angry. But here’s where it gets a little wonky…they weren’t actually angry; they were using anger to cover up hurt. I’m sure that everyone can relate to that in some form or fashion, and I know that I sure can.

And so Degrassi got me to thinking…why do people do this? Why do people use anger to cover up hurt? Honestly it mainly made me start thinking about why I do this and in what situations I do this in. And it was like I hit a HUGE brick wall, and when I say HUGE I mean GARGANTUAN. I just COULD NOT figure out why I do this…it just was. So of course I thought about it some more.

And I’ve discovered that for me being hurt is hard. It just is. And if I’m angry then, well, I can ignore the hurt, and friends, ignorance is definitely NOT the purpose of this year. Because if I remember correctly I am DONE with blissful ignorance. And sometimes “blissful ignorance” comes in the form of anger. And let’s face it; sometimes it’s just easier to be angry. Sometimes it’s just easier to ignore the hurt and rage and stew and fume about whatever hurt you. But does that fix the hurt? Or even abate the anger? No.

Sometimes I’m just hurt, and there’s not a lot that I can do about it except for make peace with it and let it go. And peace is something that I always want around in EVERY aspect of my life. It’s one of my goals for the year…to be more at peace with peace. And if I continually let this anger hang around like a raging phantom I’ll just be angry and resentful and unhappy, and frankly there’s no peace in that.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Laws of Emotion

Emotions are unpredictable. Very, very unpredictable. And as I’ve said in the past I’m not so big on the unpredictable, when it comes to my personal life anyway. So I tend to think of them as some creepy, crawly, slithery creature that’s going to slither up out of nowhere and trick you into well, thinking about them. And sometimes dang it you just don’t want to. You just don’t want to deal with every past emotion that you haven’t dealt with yet that got you into this spot in the first place, you know? You just don’t want to.

And then sometimes, you don’t get that choice. That’s what happened to me today. I had a slippery emotional confrontation, with myself no less, and had to deal with a lot of things that I wasn’t sure that I was strong enough to face yet. And as I’m sure you all know, emotional confrontations, especially with yourself, are difficult to handle on the best of days, much less a rainy, dreary day like today. And honestly it freaked me the heck out, the way that the emotion and feelings just spilled out of me like a fully running faucet, or rather waterfall with a rushing current and all. And I just didn’t think that I was strong enough to face it, deal with it, or handle the backlash that all of that emotion could bring. But, as I quickly found out, I am strong enough.

And even though I didn’t know it, until it just came rushing out of me like a current, I am ready to deal with it. I am ready to face the truth, and frankly, despite the brave face I’m scared. I’m scared of what such truth and emotion can bring. But sometimes you don’t get the choice to decide what the right time to deal with it is, sometimes it just breaks like a levy in a flood, especially if you’ve held it back for a long time. And sometimes the only way to heal is to get swept away in a flood, swept away in a flood of emotion about a situation that you didn’t even know that you were ready to deal with yet.

And frankly, that’s difficult. It’s difficult to just let awful emotions and past situations rush over you, especially when they’ve been in a neat little box for such a long time. It’s kind of like an emotional sugar crash until they’ve run their course, and you’re back to being even keeled again.

But I’m done with neatly boxing my emotions and opinions about my personal life. It’s MY personal life, and there is no reason to neatly box the emotions that I feel because those boxes don’t last forever, and I’ve found that the unpleasant emotions tend to rush out a lot faster and harsher the second time around. And they’re also a LOT more difficult to put back into the box. Well…more like damn near impossible. So why even start out with a box in the first place?

My only answer to that is fear, and honestly I’m sick of being afraid. I’m sick of being afraid of the way that I feel sometimes; I’m sick of being afraid of speaking my mind about perfectly normal emotions. I’m sick of being afraid to show perfectly normal emotions.

So in stereotypical female fashion (that’s a joke peeps) I’m going to be more emotional. Not crying at the drop of a hat sort of thing, but in a healthy way because it’s not fair to me to hold everything in. It’s just NOT fair. Emotional honesty is important, and it’s high time that I start acting like it.