Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Stop Factor

So you know that saran wrap stuff? The stuff that clings to everything it touches? I think I’m the human version of that in relationships. I know…sounds crazy and ridiculous, but I think I am, folks. I am the saran wrap of the relationship world. Interestingly enough though this is EXACTLY what I took a year off of dating to figure out. Well…kind of. If you’ll remember I actually took a year off of dating in order to become ok with being alone but I’m afraid that while I was aloning it up for a whole year I didn’t take the time to figure out where I went wrong in my previous relationships. I didn’t take the time to figure out what I brought to the table in relationships.
Hell…I spent so much time trying to love myself that I didn’t take the time to realize how different it is to have someone love me. That’s a whole different ballgame. I’m in control of me and my love, and I know how I show it to myself. I know exactly how I feel toward myself because I can read my own mind. I don’t have to prove it to myself because I KNOW. I know every thought that I have, but it’s not like that in a relationship with someone else. It’s not the same at all. 

And the strange thing is that I seem to start out pretty chill…independent, secure, sexy, fun, interesting…and then I turn into a crying, insecure, clingy, dependent mess! Why does this happen? Is it me? Is it them? Is the universe? I’m pretty sure it’s me. In fact, I KNOW it’s me. But the question is…why? Why does this happen? It’s like at first I’m nonchalant; I can take it or leave it. But once I get it…I’m like an addict. I always need more, more, more until myself and my respective partner are so tired of the constant runaround, misery, grief, and needless bickering that my partner lets go. He is always the one to let go first because a person can only take so much distrust, so much pushing until they’re sick and tired of it.

So I’m sure all of you are wondering where this has come from…well, I met someone. A very wonderful someone, who I am doing this to, who I am distrusting, pressuring, and giving such a hard time that it feels like he can’t do ANYTHING right. Now, would I put up with this? NO. Not no but hell no. So why in the world do I expect him to put up with it? I’d get tired of it too, and I think that’s where my fear comes from…it’s like I want to hurry up and get the inevitable over with. I want him to hurry up and leave me so I don’t have to wait around wondering when he’ll do it. But folks…that makes NO sense. No sense at all. And frankly the thought of him leaving me makes me want to vomit, makes me want to cry and be upset and all of the other things that people feel when they want to be with someone, when they’re afraid to lose them.

However…for some reason I’m having a hard time accepting that he doesn’t want to go anywhere, that he doesn’t actually want to leave me. And it’s like I can’t figure out why he doesn’t want to…like I have to keep doing more and more ridiculous things to prove myself right, that he does, in fact, deep down, want to leave me…he just hasn’t figured it out yet. But the thing is that he doesn’t have to figure it out…because he doesn’t want to, but the way I’ve been acting doesn’t really make anyone want to be around me. And honestly…if that’s the case why would he want to? I don’t even want to.

I think that I need some relationship 101, friends. Some serious relationship 101…and maybe a good smack in the face haha, but for real though. I’ve spent the last year becoming ok with being alone, but I don’t know if I know how to be in a healthy relationship. I don’t know if I actually know how to be with a good man. Is there an instruction manual? Or a guidebook that I could use; I really need one. Because if I don’t stop trying to put a rift between myself and this wonderful man I’m gonna push him away, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to push him away, and I don’t want to make him worry about me or us or our relationship. Hell, I do enough worrying about everything for the both of us as it is. So if anyone has any suggestions…please let me know :-)

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