Saturday, August 11, 2012

What's So Wrong With Being A Super Ordinary Woman?

Well…it’s been about four months since I last posted on this blog, and I don’t really have a reason Mostly, I just haven’t had anything to write about. But I’ve also been busy with a trip to France and lots and LOTS of hard work, you know trying to save for my upcoming trip.

Speaking of an upcoming trip, I move across the country, about thirteen hundred miles away to be exact, in around a week and a half. Now I want to be able to declare how excited I am in the most sickening sing-songy voice that anyone has ever heard, but frankly, I feel more terrified than anything. When I think about how I’m going to get there, how much it will cost, how I don’t really know anyone, I have serious heart palpitations. I’m scared. Really freaking scared.

And I can’t help but wonder if it’s normal to be this afraid before such a big change. I’ve never lived this far from home before, and I feel like I’m twenty-two years old so I need to get over it, you know? But is that really fair to me? Is it really fair for me to just tell myself to “get over it?” Is it really fair for me to discredit my feelings that way? No.

And it’s strange because that’s my knee-jerk reaction…get over it. But I have every right to be terrified of moving halfway across the freaking country to a place that I’ve never even visited for a job that I’ve never actually done. I am not a robot who can just shut my feelings off at will. And sometimes, like now, I feel like that’s a damn shame. But if I could I wouldn’t be human.

It’s like I expect myself to be some sort of super woman with the cape, and the skintight suit, and the saving the world. But I don’t have a cape or, God forbid, a skintight suit. And frankly, I think it’s gonna take a lot more than what I can do to save the world, so why in the hell am I holding myself to that expectation? Why do I hold myself to such unyielding standard of perfection that I’m almost guaranteed to fail? And what is it with me thinking that showing emotion equals failure?

If I remember correctly I made some goals back several months ago and one of them included cutting myself some serious slack, and I don’t know if I’ve been living up to that lately. I want to live up to that. I want to be ok with being scared of something that is honestly scary. I want to stop making the things that I love out to miserable because I have such unrealistic expectations for myself. I want to write more on my blog because I’ve missed it. I’ve missed it a lot. It keeps me real, and out of my head, which honestly gets a little cramped sometimes. So wish me luck on the move because as afraid as I feel, I am excited. I just need to stop putting so much pressure on it. Here’s to depressurizing J    

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