Thursday, August 23, 2012

Not Physically...but Mentally?

So I just read a blog post on Ms. Single Mama…odd I know since I’m not a single mom, but her blog is really good. And in the midst of my emotional crisis of my move tomorrow, let’s not make light of 1300 miles, it’s been pretty inspirational. I’m sure you’re wondering where I found out about this blog well at the podiatrist’s office of course. I was sitting there…an uncomfortable mixture of excitement, fear, and endless tears about the move while waiting for my mom to get done, and I picked up a Woman’s Day magazine. I typically don’t read Woman’s Day, but the front of the cover was talking about letting go, and frankly that’s exactly what I needed. So I picked it up and flipped to a page and started reading and article about a woman who let go of fear. She let go of fear and left the broken marriage that she was in. And frankly that’s kind of fitting right now. No…I didn’t go off and elope or anything, but I’ve been wanting a change. Isn’t that what I’ve been striving for this whole time?  A change for the better…a change to become more of who I truly am? Yes.

However…as I’ve been at home I’ve sort of caught myself slipping back into some of my old patterns. I’m not always completely open and honest with myself here. I don’t eat well…at all. And I’ve been too worried about finding someone. That’s odd don’t you think? Given the fact that I have oh…at least another month before I should even be thinking about dating again. But I still catch myself thinking about it…sometimes even reveling in the attention that males can give me. Just because I know that I’m not dating doesn’t mean that the males around me know, you know? And as I’ve thought about this move...I’ve caught myself thinking and sometimes hoping that I’ll find the man of my dreams in Massachusetts. That I’ll be done with the no dating thing and there he’ll be ready to carry me off into the sunset on his white horse. Because frankly folks…not dating gets lonely. It’s hard to not base some of your perceptions of yourself on what other people think, especially when you have done it for so long. Like I’ve said before I’m impatient…I want to snap my fingers and be the best possible me that I can be, self-confident and assured and all. But it doesn’t work like that. Kind of like I want to snap my fingers and apparate, you know like in Harry Potter, all the way to Massachusetts so I won’t have to deal with the scary drive. But I can’t.

And interestingly enough I inspired someone…I inspired my boss to try to make herself happier. But sometimes I feel like a bit of an imposter for struggling so much with these things myself even though I preach to others about how great it is. How do you find the balance between loneliness, self-awareness, and natural human nature? It’s natural to feel a need to find the love of your life…but when does that natural need turn into an unhealthy obsession? Hell if I know. But I do know this…I need to let it go. I need to let go of my fear about this trip, and I need to stop worrying about a man coming into my life. As hard as that is, it’s what I need. And isn’t that what my whole life, not just this year, is about? What I need?       

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