Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Ghosts of Relationships Past

As we all know my four month alone-iversary is coming up (read previous post if you don’t know), and as I said it’s hard. It’s really hard. But I think the hardest part, at least these days, is the re-surfacing of all my old romantic relationships/situations. It’s a crazy mixture of what happened, what went wrong, what I could’ve changed, what I ignored, what I wanted them to be, what they weren’t, and even what I feel about them right now. And given my lack of romantic anything that could suck up all of my thinking time like some intense black hole, I have to think about, and God forbid, deal with these things, and frankly it sucks. A LOT. Because all of those feelings and wishes and hopes and dreams and hurts and disappointments and betrayals from those romantic whatevers are bubbling back up and saying: Look at ME! Don’t you wish you would’ve done this differently or that differently? And they’re making me deal with them in a way that I didn’t deal with them in the past, and honestly I’m kind of feeling like Ebenezer Scrooge up in here, and trust me that is not a fun or happy way to feel.

And believe me…I don’t want to have to deal with these things. I want to just sweep them under the rug or into a closet and deal with them in the rightful way that skeletons should be dealt with. But sometimes the “rightful” way, to me anyway, isn’t the healthiest way, because, well, the minute I’ve got some time on my hands, i.e. now, they jump up out of the closet and creep out from under the rug and haunt me again. And folks I am not a fan of being haunted. Not a fan at all. And as you can tell hauntings just don’t jive with my ideal of being chill and calm and all the other stuff that I want to be but have a hard time being. Because frankly, being haunted, in a strictly metaphorical sense, makes me the opposite of chill. Having to think about these things kind of puts me on edge and makes me irritable, and let’s be real here who honestly wants to take a microscope to every relationship that they’ve had? I sure as hell don’t, but it seems like these days that’s all I seem to think about, until I’m to the point of “enough already!”
Maybe this is why I keep getting into all of these unhealthy situations, because I haven’t had the guts to just face up to the fact that I don’t want to deal with these things. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I’ve been rejected before. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I make mistakes and pick the wrong and unhealthy people for me. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I HAVE been that girl who gets hurt, who gets lied to, who gets left, and who feels like an idiot at the end of the day. I don’t want to face that I’ve been that girl who has stayed in something just because she didn’t want to be alone. But the reality is that I have been that girl, and I can ignore it all I want to, but it still stands there staring me in the face as I try to avert my eyes. It still taunts me as I try to progress onward during my journey, and I feel as if these ghosts are truly holding me back with their plasma-y arms and vicious accusations. And maybe I don’t want to fully deal because then I would have to let go and, in turn, cut myself some slack, and I mean who am I going to beat up on if I can’t beat up on myself?  

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