And believe me…I don’t want to have to deal with these things. I want to just sweep them under the rug or into a closet and deal with them in the rightful way that skeletons should be dealt with. But sometimes the “rightful” way, to me anyway, isn’t the healthiest way, because, well, the minute I’ve got some time on my hands, i.e. now, they jump up out of the closet and creep out from under the rug and haunt me again. And folks I am not a fan of being haunted. Not a fan at all. And as you can tell hauntings just don’t jive with my ideal of being chill and calm and all the other stuff that I want to be but have a hard time being. Because frankly, being haunted, in a strictly metaphorical sense, makes me the opposite of chill. Having to think about these things kind of puts me on edge and makes me irritable, and let’s be real here who honestly wants to take a microscope to every relationship that they’ve had? I sure as hell don’t, but it seems like these days that’s all I seem to think about, until I’m to the point of “enough already!”
Maybe this is why I keep getting into all of these unhealthy situations, because I haven’t had the guts to just face up to the fact that I don’t want to deal with these things. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I’ve been rejected before. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I make mistakes and pick the wrong and unhealthy people for me. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I HAVE been that girl who gets hurt, who gets lied to, who gets left, and who feels like an idiot at the end of the day. I don’t want to face that I’ve been that girl who has stayed in something just because she didn’t want to be alone. But the reality is that I have been that girl, and I can ignore it all I want to, but it still stands there staring me in the face as I try to avert my eyes. It still taunts me as I try to progress onward during my journey, and I feel as if these ghosts are truly holding me back with their plasma-y arms and vicious accusations. And maybe I don’t want to fully deal because then I would have to let go and, in turn, cut myself some slack, and I mean who am I going to beat up on if I can’t beat up on myself?