Sunday, February 5, 2012

Oh, The Postman...

So I’m coming up on my 4 month “alone-iversary,” and I’m kind of going insane. Ok, not really…but it is REALLY weird. Now, just to be clear, an “alone-iversary” involves romantic aloneness; I’m not chilling out on a deserted island or anything extreme like that, not that it wouldn’t be an interesting, and probably scary experience, but I just don’t see a deserted island in my near future.
As we all know, I’m not doing any sort of romantic anything for a year, and if it hadn’t been for a small bump in my non-romantic road I would be at month 6, but no worries, everyone has setbacks, myself included. The point of this year of no romance is to better focus on myself and who I am, of course, but also to figure out why I have such unhealthy and down-right terrible relationships. And to be honest, sifting through all of the quicksand of my romantic past is hard enough without throwing more on top of it. And as I’ve said, I’m reaching my 4 month “alone-iversary,” which is, to me, a big accomplishment. Because this is the longest amount of time that I have gone without being in some sort of romantic something. This is the longest I’ve gone without talking to or seeing someone romantically in some capacity and, frankly, it’s HARD. This romantic anything celibacy thing is WAY harder than I expected it to be, and I’m pretty surprised about that. I mean it’s just about having willpower, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought too…boy, was I wrong.

It’s about so much more than willpower, and I kid you not when I say that it is for sure one of the hardest things I have ever done. Before now, the most that I had stayed out of romantic situations was for three months and the shortest time was ten days (yeah, I know), and let’s be real here, neither of those are even close to being enough time to heal or do whatever needs to be done in order to get into another romantic anything, at least for me anyway. So it’s kind of like I’m breaking an addiction, and let me tell you month almost 4 is proving to be the most contrary.

And here’s where the “going insane” part comes in. I see attractive males EVERYWHERE. You laugh, but I am not joking. It’s like they’re stalking me, trying to get me to break my year of romantic celibacy; yes, I just said attractive males are stalking me…told you that I’m going insane. No, but for real though, I am hyper-sensitive to the presence of any remotely attractive male, like if I were a superhero that would be my superpower. And I’m fairly certain that it’s due to the fact that I’m coming up on my four month “alone-iversary;” it’s kind of like the hump before it all becomes downhill, you know? And sadly, we have possibly the most attractive postman on the planet; it’s kind of ridiculous. Postal workers should not be allowed to be as attractive as he is, especially not when I’m spending the weekend at home around my 4 month “alone-iversary;” it’s just not fair.

Now I promise that I didn’t expect to become a superhero with the superpower of being able to home in on the presence of attractive males, but I also didn’t expect my confidence to take a dip or to feel lonely either. (I know, just goes to show that no matter how much you try to prepare for something you can’t anticipate everything.) I didn’t expect to discover how much romantic attention affects my life, or how much I depend on it for things, like confidence and self-image, that I should depend on myself for. I didn’t expect to discover how much I tend to put my happiness with myself in the hands of others, specifically those of the male persuasion, instead of making my own happiness. I didn’t expect to discover how much I base my self-worth on whether or not I’m romantically involved with someone. I guess that’s what happens when you decide to be romantically celibate, huh?

So, despite, my newly acquired, and hopefully short-lived, superpower, it seems that romantic celibacy is the best thing for me right now because I’m learning A LOT from it. And instead of feeling lonely, hating Valentine’s Day, and eating tons and tons of chocolate in order to fill the void caused by feeling like a romantic leper, I’m going to be ALONE and HAPPY and celebrate the heck out of my “alone-iversary,” because it truly IS an accomplishment that I’m proud of J        

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