Hanging On For Dear Life

Ever had an emotional burden? You know, something that just weighs and weighs and weighs on you until, well, who knows when. From my experience, emotional burdens and the feelings they cause are incredibly hard to shake. They hang around, beating you down, like some dreadfully vicious older brother (or sister if you prefer). They’re reminders of some of the most hurtful, scary, and just plain awful situations. I originally wanted to title this post “Ridin Solo…or Am I” because as I was walking (yes, I’ve made some peace with walking, thank goodness) last weekend, trying to figure out what to write in, what I’m going to say, is a “relief” letter, I heard the song “Ridin Solo” by Jason Derülo. Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering what a “relief” letter is. It’s a letter that you write to someone who has hurt you in some way, and then you don’t send it. You read it aloud, burn it, trash it, keep it, or any other number of things you want to do with it. And let me tell you folks, there’s something to be said for just writing a letter and getting all of that emotional angst and resentment and whatever else is bearing on your chest out. I’m not gonna lie…I thought it was a little silly and/or (mostly “and”) ridiculous at first, I mean what the heck is a letter going to do, right? But it was surprisingly “relieving” (and let me add, scary as hell) to let all of that out and then read it to someone.

But this post isn’t about that specific letter, it’s about my own battle with emotional burdens, some of which happened to end up in that letter. I wanted to title this post after a Jason Derülo song because who wants to admit that they have things that bother them that they just CANNOT let go. I, personally, want to be seen as a forgiving and non-grudge holding person, but sometimes that’s an outright lie, sometimes no matter how much you really want to let something go and truly be “ridin’ solo” you can’t. But then, as I was walking, I realized that I can’t say that I’m ever really so concerned with “ridin’ solo” as I am with “hanging on for dear life” to the hurts and injustices and whatever else bothers me. I hang on and on and on, letting these hurtful situations and memories eat away at me like a toxin, never actually approaching the source of the hurt in order to attempt to stop it.

And, friends, I’m not so sure that I truly want to stop it. I’m not so sure that I actually want to rid myself of hurtful thoughts and second-guesses. I know…it sounds kinda crazy, right? I mean if you’re bleeding you would expect a doctor to stop it, right? Well, folks apparently I wouldn’t. Now it’s not so extreme as bleeding, but I allow these hurtful situations to hurt me. And instead of dealing with the situation, stopping the “bleeding,” and going the heck on with my life, I put a tourniquet on it and leave it, ending up with metaphorical gangrene in the process. Nasty, huh?

But why do I do this? Why do I allow myself to continually hurt over the same situation? Why can’t I just get the hell over it? And believe you me, I’ve been asking myself these same questions a LOT, and I think it’s because the hurt has become a security blanket, it’s become comfortable, it’s become the norm. And let me tell you it’s like a security blanket made out of cacti. Yep, I’m hangin’ onto “cacti” for dear life, talk about painful. But, you know, even the most awful things can become the norm. Sometimes it becomes easier to hold the grudge than it is to let it go, because letting go generally means “dealing, processing, and coping” and who in their right mind wants to go through all of that pain? Not me, y’all, not me.

The thing I don’t think about much though is that by not dealing with the original pain, I allow it to have a place in my everyday life. Instead of dealing and letting it go on its miserable way, I carry it around with me, being scared to let even one ounce of it go. I wonder what I would do and even who I would be without it. I’ve allowed hurt to control my life in such a way that I’ve given it the power to make and break me. I’ve freaking allowed hurt to DETERMINE who I am. Emotional burden is a hard thing to let go, y’all. It becomes an old friend so quickly that you don’t even realize it, and then it starts to control you like it has me, and frankly that’s just NOT healthy. So, friends, I’m sick of hanging on for dear life to hurt and emotional burden; I’m ready to deal because I’m realizing now that without hurt…I would STILL be me.  

PS: Sorry for the delay between posts y’all, I’ve been insanely busy with recruitment for Alpha Xi Delta, my sorority J On the plus side now that it’s over my posts will definitely be more frequent, and we got seven new amaXIng sisters!