Thursday, December 29, 2011

It Just Happened...

I think that I’m one of those “it just happened” people. In fact, I KNOW that I am one of these people. I’m sure that you’re probably wondering what that is. Well, my dear readers, that is a person who simply says situations “just happen.” As if a situation is some sort of unstoppable force that just takes over your life and straight up controls you like some freaky alien mind control business. Scary, right? Most “it just happened” people use this sort of explanation for most everything from things that go wrong to even things that go right! It’s kind of like a lie. You know how you start out with just one and before you know it there’s a whole freaking bundle of lies out there that “just happened.” Or a bunch of horrible situations that “just happened.” But here’s the catch with that sort of thinking, most things don’t “just happen.” Now in some circumstances there’s not much that you can do to fix the situation, but you can always control your reaction to it, even if the best reaction is completely letting it out and punching that person or situation squarely in the face with a vicious right hook. Not that I recommend punching people in the face, but dang sometimes you just want to!

I can clearly remember many times of myself saying that something “just happened” when I knew full well that it was through my own choices. For example, I date males who are douchebags. Pardon my language but it’s the honest truth. The douchebag meter of my relationships has been off the charts people! I’m kind of lucky that I haven’t run into a male who would decide to break up with me through a post-it note like Berger did with Carrie on Sex in the City (Love that show btw).

Despite this epic past of douchebaggery, I’ve continued to get into relationships with douchebags, this is that “creative mistake” thing again, because I tend to think that I “just happened” to end up with not so wonderful guys. I just happened to not notice that they treated me poorly. Then when the relationship ended, it had “just happened” to not work out. They “just happened” to not like me anymore. And yet again, I just happened to be ignorant. I just happened to be ignorant of how horrible they were for me, just happened to be ignorant of how unhealthy the relationships were, and just happened to be ignorant of how unhappy I was.

But wait, here’s the twist…I knew. I knew from virtually the beginning.  How, you ask. Because things like this, they don’t just happen. These things happened because of a multitude of reasons, loneliness, inability to fully accept failure, insecurity, and a whole host of other things. Yet the main one that I haven’t listed yet is ignorance, not in the “I don’t know” sense because I most definitely did but more in the “I don’t want to know” sense. I knew, but I ignored it. I ignored the living hell out of it because well out of sight out of mind, right? I didn’t want to know that they treated me poorly. I didn’t want to know or face that we weren’t going to last. When let’s face it, some relationships aren’t meant to last. Some people aren’t right for you in ANY sort of healthy sense AT ALL. But, as I said, I didn’t want to know. Sometimes it’s much easier to just pretend like everything is fine when it’s not, when it’s so utterly and indubitably not. However, this kind of thinking has led me to here, to this year of self-reflection, to this year of uncovering all the formerly “unacceptable” things about myself, to this year of ME.

And this year obviously involves my relationships with other people, whether they’re platonic or romantic, and I do the same ignoring thing with those relationships. But it’s not just my dating guys who treat me terribly or friendships that I’ve had with people who are not healthy for me. It’s also my weight, and why I keep it on, and even the situations that turn out “right.” You would think that someone who is a “control freak” would want to micromanage everything, right? I do, but I just ignore that I do it. What a viciously numbing cycle, huh?

Something that I have realized though is that when things “just happen” you’re distancing yourself from the situation. Just like when I say that things “just happen” I’m distancing myself from the situation, my feelings about it, and the truth. I distance myself from the reality of the situtation. But here's the thing I haven't figured out yet...why do I distance myself from my own life?   

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