Saturday, December 31, 2011

I Am NOT an Outlet Store

Well it’s the start of a new year in approximately 19 minutes, and I’ve decided to make no resolutions. As I said before I straight up suck at keeping them, and it’s not like I can’t start something at any time of the year. The 1st is not the only day for starting new things. You can do that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year.

Even though I am not making resolutions, I did meditate in the middle of my floor and reflect on this past year. While lying there, in the middle of the rug on my floor, fighting off my dog’s nose while she was trying to figure out what in the world I was doing, I realized that I discount my feelings. While discounts are good most of the time, unless they’re sketchy like getting discounted merchandise from the back of a shady looking car, discounting your feelings is not. I do this A LOT. I tend to ignore my instincts, and be like “nah, it’ll be fine.” Or the most awful inner thought, “It’s not like it matters what I think anyway.” Now you’re probably screaming, “But it does though!” I agree. I completely agree, but I still discount my feelings. It’s almost become an instinct in place of my common sense instincts, and that’s bad news, friends. Bad baaaaaad news.

Now in the middle of the floor, which is obviously the best place to think, I could not figure out why I do that. Why do I discount my feelings and thoughts about things in my OWN life? I’m not an outlet store for pete’s sake. I’m not some garage sale in someone’s backyard; I’m a human being, yet despite my assertion that I am not an outlet store nor a garage sale for that matter I still treat myself like the sales rack in an already hugely discounted store. It seems that many more floor meditation sessions are in store for me in 2012 because I need to find out why I discount my thoughts and feelings. Aren’t they worth enough to matter? And if I’m discounting my thoughts and feelings aren’t I also discounting myself? Why don’t I treat myself as if I’m worthy of the full price? And if I don’t treat myself that way, then how can I expect others to?

On a happier New Year’s note though, in lieu of resolutions I made “Life Wants.” Now I can’t pretend that I made them for the New Year; I made them like almost a month ago, but I’m going to share them with y’all anyway.

1.      I want to stop doing what I “should do and instead do what I want to do.

2.      I want to be completely honest, all the time, with myself and with others.

3.      I want to be comfortable, truly comfortable, with no romantic attention. I want to really feel that it’s not a super important part of or need for my life. (That means no boys y’all.)

4.      I want to more easily and willingly be able to let things go instead of just pushing them to the back of my mind where they can torment me later. (Please re-read number two because I feel that number two is the main one that will help me to achieve this.)

5.      I want to be able to CUT MYSELF SOME SERIOUS SLACK. There’s no reason to beat myself up all the time. (And it’s actually pretty unhealthy).

6.      I want to make an effort to try new things often.

7.      I want to feel good about being WRONG.

8.      I want to be able to let go of control and just live life.

    If y’all made resolutions, I wish y’all resolve and good luck J Happy 2012!

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